| Brood Brother |
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Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2003 4:43 pm
Posts: 7258
Location: Sacramento, California, USA
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Hi Guys,
Here're more details from the story:
Hi Glenn,
This is what Kris wrote:
"Maksim,
It's very annoying to have you constantly inventorying my gaming stuff. I can't figure out why, when everyone else is gaming or socializing, you would be in my garage looking through half painted miniatures or
helping yourself to my private collection of games. Lisa and I do like to host events but we do like some privacy too. It's annoying to both of us. Last month you were even rude enough to inquire about what was
behind a closed door. If I had really wanted to show you, the tour would have gone there.
This month you definitely crossed the line. When I say no to a request to use our household computer, I mean it. You shouldn't ask a second time, challenge my decision, and I shouldn't have to have a "policy" or
need to explain myself. It's my property and my events aren't hosted to facilitate shopping on eBay.
In light of this Lisa and I feel that we shouldn't invite you back.
Kris."
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In my defense, which I don't see Kris ever hearing (because he made up his mind and isn't listening to anything I say), I have written the following points:
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"Kris: It's very annoying to have you constantly inventorying my gaming stuff."
I have never inventoried his things. I've asked to look at things and done so with explicit permission. ?I've also admired his gaming collection, which is a compliment to the owner.
It also hasn't been a constant thing although I can understand how he might think that. Asking twice to look at a book in the space of four to seven hours doesn't seem constant to my understanding.
I asked to look at a Traveller book ONCE during the Battlestation game (When we were taking a break around 1:00pm so Kris could feed his cat) and he told me "No. I want you to concentrate on the game." I respected his decision and didn't ask again during the game. I didn't understand why he used such an angry tone (not knowing what I do now) or why he was so abusive.
When the game ended around 5:00 to 6:00pm, I asked once more if it would be OK if I looked at one of his books (specifically asking to look at a single book and explaining that I had an interest in buying it and wanted to make sure it was worth it -- in other words, explaining myself). He very aggressively replied in the negative and I didn't ask him for another thing the whole evening.
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"Kris: I can't figure out why, when everyone else is gaming or socializing, you would be in my garage looking through half-painted miniatures or helping yourself to my private collection of games."
There are alot of assumptions going on here and I don't know why Kris chose to think those things about me when I have always respected his home, rules and requests. I have never helped myself to anything of his and have always politely asked to look at anything in his home. I have always received his blessing to admire his collection before Saturday 14 May 2005.
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I do socialize and game and not only played the game but spoke with everyone at the party:
Mark: We discussed DBA (He invited me to play again) and the nation of Turkey. I was also around when he talked about meeting his wife on the Internet and their wedding.
Ray: We discussed his math assignment. We also spoke about the Turkish language a little, which I spent a little time studying when I got my linguistics degree.
Scott: We spoke about his drawings (He started a class at the YMCA) and he asked me about what kind of gift would be appropriate for his friends Bar Mitzvah, which he has been invited to. I also spoke to him about some "teenage" issues of a sensitive nature. He speaks with me because he trusts me. I know because he has told me as much.
Glenn: We played Battlestations together and discussed the various editions of Traveller outside by the BBQ in the evening.
Kris: We played Battlestations together and discussed the various editions of Traveller outside by the BBQ in the evening. I also spoke to Kris about the Battlestations game and the overwatch ability (Which he called me funny for using - "Maksim is using that ability funny" - another issue altogether).
Lisa: We spoke a little while Diana and Lisa cut up the chicken for dinner. I wanted to offer to help cut the chicken, but two people was plenty to be working over the cutting board. Later in the evening during our departure, Lisa gave me a hug goodbye.
Unfamiliar guests: I spoke with them in passing. I learned that they were a younger couple and were colleagues of Lisa and not gamers.
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Those are the actions of someone socializing and enjoying a party, not a 'thug casing a joint.' I really did get this impression from Kris's letter: 'A thug casing a joint.'
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"Kris: Lisa and I do like to host events but we do like some privacy too. It's annoying to both of us. Last month you were even rude enough to inquire about what was behind a closed door. If I had really wanted to show you, the tour would have gone there."
I'm a curious person. I don't understand how asking what is behind a door is so rude or insulting. I really am oblivious to that.
I always take someone's interest in me, my home, my gaming collection or anything else associated with me as INTEREST IN ME, which is a good thing in my book.
I respect Kris and Lisa's privacy and think that asking about something and doing something are two different things. If I had invaded their privacy by opening the closed door in contention (rather than simply asking about it), then that would have been undoubtedly out of line, but asking about it? ..... 
Maybe this is a Midwestern ettiquette protocol that I've never heard of. I've never heard of anything remotely close to this from the UK (where Lisa is from).
*** What would C-3PO, protocol droid extrordinaire, do? ... LOL  ***
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"Kris: This month you definitely crossed the line. When I say no to a request to use our household computer, I mean it.
You shouldn't ask a second time, challenge my decision, and I shouldn't have to have a "policy" or need to explain myself."
Kris told me "No, later... (FULL STOP)" in the kitchen when I asked to use his Internet when Glenn, Diana and I arrived. I asked about when would be a good time to visit the observatory gift shop and after hearing "Now would be a good time" from Kris, Glenn, Diana and I left to go to the observatory gift shop (So I could purchase a few 'science' souvenirs for some of my students).
When we returned, I asked politely again to use his Internet (The second time, logically following that 'No, later' meant that it would be OK to ask later) and received this explanation (paraphrased to the best of my ability):
'No, you cannot use my computer! Lisa and I used it for our home business and it was damaged once so our policy is that we will not share it with others anymore."
To which I replied:
'OK, Kris.'
I didn't think that asking with a please was a challenge to Kris's authority. I also don't think that my 'OK, Kris' was aggresive or challenging either. I'm not a very aggressive or challenging person to begin with, let alone with my friends (or former friends). ?
As a side note, Scott witnessed this exchange as well and asked about Eric to which Kris responded "Eric will just have to bring up his laptop now." That struck me a hypcritical, but I respected Kris's decision nonetheless.
I would also like to note that Kris had no problem sharing his Internet previous to this visit on 14 May 2005 (During previous visits, I only checked my Yahoo E-mail since I was expecting an important message... I understand about web security and viruses so I'm courteous and careful of that issue, using virus-protected sites such as Yahoo... ). This was not an issue in the past and Kris has never communicated these feelings, policies or anything else to me prior to the E-mail I enclosed in this letter.
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I don't read minds and I had no idea that Kris had a computer "policy" since I had never encountered it before. Scott didn't either as his actions revealed. I wonder if Eric knows about this policy since I have witnessed Kris allowing him t use the computer briefly in the past.
*** Did you know about this computer policy prior to this visit, Glenn? ***
I have no problem with Kris having this policy or choosing not to share with his friends. That's OK by me. Each to their own.
I was struck however by his anger over two polite requests and equally polite recognition of his negative responses.
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I think that Kris's feelings are justified but his actions are not. The actions that Kris took were just plain rude. Both Glenn and I commented that they seemed out of character for Kris.
It would have been nice had Kris told me anything he felt or communicated with me in anyway so I could better conform with his unstated expectations of me.
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"Kris: It's my property and my events aren't hosted to facilitate shopping on eBay."
If Kris can't see that the friendship that I have shared with him extended way beyond shopping and gaming collections then I'm pretty disappointed in him. I still don't want to think of him as that sort of shallow person.
I didn't support him at the games he ran at conventions or attend his parties out of a desire to shop on E-bay. I didn't go out to breakfast at the Vietnamese bakery near his former home on Neves way with him and Lisa (nor treated several of those breakfasts) out of a desire to shop on E-bay. I didn't speak to him candidly as friend out of a desire to shop on E-bay. I didn't listen to him speak about his concerns and worries about getting the job at Lick Observatory out of a desire to shop on Ebay. I didn't share my life worries with him nor eventually bring my girlfriend, Diana, to his parties out of a desire to shop on E-bay. It would be shallow to think that of another in light of the shared friendship.
I also completely respect his "property" and his "belongings" and... always have.
His words sound like those of a very insecure person or someone experiencing some dramatic life stress.
I don't have a problem sharing my things and that's why I lent my 6mm miniature civilian automobile collection to Kris for close to three months or more among my other belongings I lent him. I thought nothing of lending my belongings to him. I trusted Kris and that was good enough for me.
I thought that the trust was mutual. I was wrong as circumstances reveal.
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Mostly, I'm disappointed in Kris for never telling me he felt this way or letting me know what was going on in his head. My first indication that something was amiss was his negative and hostile responses to four questions I asked (Twice to use the Internet and twice to see a Traveller book).
The straw that broke the camel's back was when Kris saw Glenn and I returning his charcoal briquettes to the basement garage and he both stopped me and told me that he didnt WANT me going downstairs for any reason. That was just plain insulting. I didn't do anything to deserve that.
I feel like he is blaming me for something that was possibly broken or stolen without having been asked or told a thing about what might have actually happened. That is one of the only logical reasons I can see for his having treated me that way.
I would gladly replace a broken or stolen object than lose a friendship. My friendships mean more to me than my physical belongings. Things are just things. It's friendships that are are priceless. Things come and go.
At that point, I wanted to leave the party, but I didn't want to inconvenience Glenn or Diana. And Kris acted like nothing happened whatsoever as I sat on the couch and "socialized" with the other guests. He didn't tell me anything about his negative feelings about me before we left.
He acted like nothing was wrong, but something very obviously was. He never pulled me aside to let me know what he was feeling or communicated with me in any way short of terse negative responses to my four polite queries. He even told me that I should just post future game requests to the Tactics-0 list in order to have them "approved" by him. Later, Lisa gave me a hug goodbye and told me how nice it was to have us visiting. Lisa's actions weren't those of someone mortified by me. I don't get it.
And voila, the next day I receive a nasty-gram from Kris.
I'm not a hateful or angry person nor the type to hold a grudge, but this was simply low. I was really wronged and never given the opportunity to explain myself nor change my actions to something more ammenable to Kris's tastes. I wasn't told a thing. I was simply dumped after receiving some vague hostility from him and with no chance to explain myself, change to his liking or say my peace.
He threw away our friendship of several years over this? Without so much as a word of warning?
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I'll be polite to Kris if I see him in the future, but I'm pretty underwhelmed by these kinds of actions from a guy I have been a good friend to for several years. I'm very disappointed in Kris.
Maybe those gaming convention administrators that insulted Kris several years ago by asking him to be warmer to guests had a point...
I hope that Luther didn't get stiffed like I did. I wouldn't wish that on another human being.
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When the right time comes, I plan to write back and simply say:
"Hi Kris,
I respect and acknowledge your decision to remove me from your Tactics-0 gaming group but don't understand nor like it.
Thanks for your hospitality and generosity over the years.
Please accept my apologies for having inadvertantly offended you and I wish you and Lisa the best.
Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak."
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Thanks for hearing me out, Glenn.
I'd love to hear what you think or any advice you have for me should you have the time.
Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.
--- "Glenn M. Goffin" wrote:
> Wow. That's really a shock. I'm sorry to hear that. ?
> Yes, I'll be glad to hear more, less out of my own curiosity (which is naturally there) than out of doing what friends do --
> And yes, I do want to remain friends and in contact, and I'll be happy to return the video game. ?
> --Glenn
>
>
> --- Max Hannan wrote:
> > Hi Glenn,
> > I have been officially removed from Tactics-0 and
> have been told that I would not be invited back again.
> > I can discuss this further with you if you would like to know more.
> > *** However, in the mean time, would you be kind enough return a computer game to Kris that he lent Diana? ***
> > I also hope that we can remain friends and meet regardless of external events. I think very highly of you and Supatra and would hate to lose contact with you. Diana feels the same.
> > This is a strange turn of events and Kris isn't interested in speaking about it with me or reconciling.
> Maybe Luther and I should form a club? .... LOL
> > Shalom,
> > Maksim-Smelchak. |
I'd love to hear from some of you about this. I feel like I have been wronged and really don't understand where Kris is coming from.
Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.
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