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Old jokes about lawyers
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Author:  Mojarn Piett [ Wed Feb 04, 2004 2:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
To continue the trend...  }:)

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially the same service.
 
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in  sand?
* Not enough sand.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
 
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once
launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they
screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.    

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to
avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ......  I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.  
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.  
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"    

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
Author:  Tas [ Wed Feb 04, 2004 9:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Remember that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.... :L
Author:  primarch [ Wed Feb 04, 2004 10:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Hi!

I LOVE lawyer jokes!

Wonderful!  :D

Primarch
Author:  Dooglebug [ Sun Feb 22, 2004 10:50 am ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
How about some mathmetician jokes. These are good fun to tell to mathmo friends at uni, but not when your just about to ask for help with a 3rd order pde youv'e constructed in physics.


Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...


        "The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."


       Three men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost
in a canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.
We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices
far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are
we?" (They hear the echo several times.)

15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!  You're
lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

The reply: "For three reasons.  (1) he took a long time to answer, (2)
he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
Author:  iblisdrax [ Sun Feb 22, 2004 2:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Hee HEee!!! :p  :p  :p


my 2cents,

iblisdrax
Author:  primarch [ Sun Feb 22, 2004 2:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Hi!

:D LOL, good ones!

Anybody know doctor jokes?

Primarch
Author:  Mojarn Piett [ Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:32 am ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Quote (primarch @ 22 2004 Feb.,13:48)
Hi!

:D LOL, good ones!

Anybody know doctor jokes?

Primarch

I do. Well, actually they are not jokes but snippets from actual dictations by our esteemed doctors. Unfortunately I can't translate the real gems as these are inadvertent puns and lose all funniness if translated from Finnish.

-44-years old, quite healthy kitchen from the Koskela Hospital.

-55 years old colleague, otherwise healthy.

-Has previously suffered from diabetes and still suffers from it.

-A small wound in the lipstick of her lower lip.

-1,5 meter difference in length discovered in the patient's legs.

-Doesn't seem to be allergic at Russian spirits.

-Chrome catgut was used because we happened to have that on the table.

-Doesn't remember to have eaten anything suitable yesterday.

-Patient is 15 months pregnant.

-Haemoglobin 95 so the patient was given one corpuscle.

-A drug user. No other regular medications.

-Indalgin (some drug) perscription to be eaten when needed.

-Fallen when walking a bike.

-Been hit on the head with axe for two weeks.

-Advised to reduce the amount of alcohol, coffee and tobacco drunk.

-Likes beer but still doesn't use it.

-Plaster had tripped and broken.

-Treatment has not worked; patient's condition has become worse; expression sad.

-If gas bubble has gone away, the patient can fly.

-Control after a month, protect water from ear.

-Has a normal dog at home.

-A 78-year old woman who has sprained her jaw when speaking with her daughter.

-When the patient goes to toilet he has to sit there for an hour before he manages to leave again.

-The eye in question is the only functioning one and doesn't want to go to cataract operation as long as he can manage and neither is the patient himself willing to go.

-A 4 months old man...

-A 60-year old youth. (The man was born in 1960).

-Moves spontaneously with left hand.

-In addition, the left eye says he doesn't see properly.

-Is treated by his own eye specialist because of a problem in hip joint.

-Has hit his head and, after that, taken 18 800mg pills and alcohol. Head still hurts.

-Massive obesis (? should mean he is way too fat). At home eats everything he can find.

-Artificial joints in both hips. No other medication.

-Present ailment: no ailments.

-Included is a prescription to be eaten.

-Right side fallen from a horse on monday.

-The use of right ear is not advisable on the left side.

-Has been independently mutilated.

-Take a photocopy of the patient and send it with him. Hearing aid is not to be used when needed.

-Has taken 20 pills and spirits. Thinks beer is a suitable nutrient for him. Denies using alcohol.

-Left ankle got sore when peeling potatoes.

-A long term friend and daughter have died recently.

-Patient has had no long term ailments. Has suffered from hypertension for 20 years.

-Condition of the patient is satisfactory. Has long and thin physique and a good looking beard.

-Patient has not got an education fit for his job.

-Patient looks the examiner in the eye and grimaces symmetrically.

-Patient tells he has previously been a mummy.

-Patient tells that the blood has been red for a few days already.

-Patient swears when his stomach is pressed so it might be sore.

-Patient deaf but otherwise objective.

-Patient has healed in spite of the treatment.

-Patient lays on his stomach on top of his Achilles tendon.

-Patient has moved from Vaasa to Turku. Otherwise healthy.

-Patient is coming from the Imatra hospital by wheelchair.

-Patient has been able to speak normally with his left ear.

-...so the patient has tripped yesterday and hit his left head.

-Patient comes to show his middle finger.

-Nothing in the X-ray. In my opinion there is a clear fracture.

-Has a lot of small creatures throughout his body.

-Has been prescribed some medication which has not used. Says to use a lot of beer for medication instead.

-Dry and businesslike patient.

-Status: there's nothing in place of heart and lungs.

-This ailment is probably usually found in humans.

-This morning patient had gone to the toilet. Experienced a strange feeling of having been there before.

-Today noticed an ache in the left wrist after slapping a deaf cat.

-There is a Mercedes-shaped wound on the back of the head.

-Calls when needed.

-Comes to doctor because of an elbow injury in the left head.

-Reason for coming: has tripped and fallen. Left ankle is drunk.

-Has smoked about seven cigarettes in 15 years.

-Color of excrement extremely foul smelling.

-Numerous ankles in both legs; more on the left side.

-Has ailments in his shoe and wants it to be removed.

-Has stayed awake for the whole night. Periodically slept.

-There's an infection in the toes; all five toes to be removed.

-Lef leg amputated in a wheelchair.

-Had fractured left ankle a couple of years ago; in plaster.

-Last night patient had a period of few hours he can't remember anything about.

-Overall condition: a reasonably good woman.

-Overall condition fine. At present the patient is dead.
Author:  the_fifth_horseman [ Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:44 am ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
What about the following:

Apart from having three 13 yo. kids, the patient seems to be completely sane otherwise.
Author:  Dooglebug [ Mon Feb 23, 2004 1:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts
1.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
2.On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3.She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4.The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6.Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7.Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8.The patient refused an autopsy.
9.The patient has no past history of suicides.
10.Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
13.Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14.She is numb from her toes down.
15.While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16.The skin was moist and dry.
17.Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18.Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19.Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22.The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23.The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
24.Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
25.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
26.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Author:  Dooglebug [ Mon Feb 23, 2004 2:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
One morning, the doctor and his wife were having a very heated argument over breakfast. As he stormed out of the house on his way to the clinic, the doctor angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided that he had better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
The wife replied, "I was in bed."
Then the doctor asked, "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
His wife responded, "Getting a second opinion."

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

and the coup de grace

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline;
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
Author:  iblisdrax [ Mon Feb 23, 2004 4:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Old jokes about lawyers
Heeee Heeee.  Good stuff!  :D   :p  :D

my 2cents,

iblisdrax
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