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Joined: Fri May 13, 2005 11:01 pm
Posts: 1455
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While I could regale you with tales of submarine putting signal flares into surface ships before the ships found the sub, I must instead regale you with a tale from long ago, about a young Sonar Technician.
This young man was assigned to one of the 'projects boats' (the guys that did Blind Man's Bluff), and was on his way home from such a mission. His boat stopped in Roosevelt Roads, Peurto Rico, and the crew proceeded to do what all sailors do in liberty ports after a long deployment, and relieved the locals of most of the booze on the island.
At this time, the USS TICONDEROGA was in the middle of her acceptance trials, and had also stopped for a port call in Rosie Roads. Being the Navy's newest, the crew of the TICO had a bit of an attitude. They were so offended by the bubbleheads unwinding, that they called the local police and had the bubbleheads kicked out of the only bar on the island. 
This young STS3(SU) (Sonar Technician, Submarines, 3rd class, not yet Qualified in Submarines) went to his AWEPS (the assistant weapons officer, his Division Officer) and said, 'Sir, I've got this idea to get back at the TICO.' AWEPS says 'I like it!' and takes STS3 to the WEPS (Weapons Officer, the Department Head). WEPS says 'I like it!' and goes to the skipper. WEPS briefs the Skipper, and Skipper says 'Don't do anything I can't get you out of.'
Now, this skipper was the most senior Captain (a full bird) on the entire East Coast, and what he said means 'game on!' to any enlisted man.
Parked across from the TICO was an old WW2 vintage DD, used as a target ship. She was shot to pieces, brought back up, patched up, repeat. She was bright yellow, with the words 'TARGET SHIP' painted down her sides.
So the STS3, who happens to be one of the ship's swimmers, gets his fins, the AWEPS grabs the Zodiac out of storage, and the WEPS gets some 'submarine black' paint. They proceed to paddle their way up to the TICO. STS3 realizes that he's almost standing on the sonar dome, and starts praying that they aren't seen (Active Sonar does bad things to divers in the water, you see). The WEPS, who is a 'mini-Hitler' (a short man, who's bound and determined to make sure everyone knows he's important) starts slopping paint everywhere, writing 'TARGET SHIP' in scraggly-drunk 6 foot tall letters down the side of the TICO. By the time they finish with the TICO, there's 3 'TARGET SHIP's written down the side, with a crosshairs in the center of the ship!
Now, our intrepid STS3 (and officers) haven't been caught (yet), and they make a grievous tactical error. Our heroes got greedy, and went for a ship on the next pier down. They decide that it's too dangerous to go under the pier (barnacles on the pilings, etc.), and go around. As they're paddling around the end of the pier, the fantail watch on the TICO sees them, and raises the alarm. Our heroes are suddenly caught in the divine radiance of a cruiser's 21" searchlight. They huddle on the far side of the zodiac, and after a hurried conference, try to paddle over the horizon from the searchlight. They must make it a good quarter mile before STS3 realizes that the horizon on that searchlight is almost 10 miles out to sea, so they turn around, and try to break contact in the shadow of some other ships. About this time, the ship they were going to pick on lights them up with her searchlight, too. Now, they're transfixed, stuck in place like a butterfly pinned to a collection board. They tread water, and suddenly hear the motor of the yardboat, with the Shore Patrol in it.
WEPS says 'Come on, we can take them!'
STS3 says 'Bull$h!t, sir, an M14 will go through 3 feet of water, and there's two of them on that boat, plus whatever the coxs'n has. We lost this one, sir.'
As the SP gets up to our adventurers, they ask, like cops everywhere, 'What are you guys doing out here?' STS3 pipes up, 'We're practicing for the marathon swim that's coming up after we return to port.' The Seabees manning the SP boat say, 'OK, but it's 3am. We'll give you a tow back to your unit.'
When the Seabees and company get to the pier, there are two Sailors in Dress Whites, with M14 rifles and fixed bayonets (WTF? Nobody fixes bayonets anymore!). It seems that their Skipper looked around and realized that he was the senior man on the pier, so he grabbed the two most sober guys and issued them weapons(!). The Seabees look at their 'catch' and say, 'Tell you what. We need your Military IDs so we can finish filling out the paperwork, and we'll let you go to your ship.' Our heroes look at each other. They're in their skivvies. No ID. 'Uhhh, we need to go onto the ship to get them.' 'That's OK, just come back.' (Wow, how much good luck did these guys use up?!) So they pour themselves down the ladder into the ship.
Standing in the light, STS3 looks at himself and realizes that he's covered with little spots of submarine black paint. About that time the ship's Corpsman staggers by on his way to the rack. 'Doc! Quick! How do I get this paint off?'
*Grunt* 'You wait it to wear off, in about a month.'
So STS3 grabs his ID card, and heads back topside, figuring he's going to be arrested as soon as the Seabees point a flashlight at him. The Seabees are still waiting at the end of the pier, take his ID, fill out their paperwork, and not once does the Seabees' flashlight make it above the photo on the ID. The Seabees hand back the IDs, and it's 'go forth, and sin no more' time. Our heroes pour themselves back down the ladder, and into the rack.
About 0745 the next morning, STS3 wakes up with the mother of all hangovers as the Skipper steps over him in Full Dress Whites. (remember, this is a submarine, and the crew's sleeping arrangements were low on the priority list during design).
'G'Mornnn, Captain' 'Good Morning, Petty Officer [deleted to protect the guilty].' STS3 continues to try to wake up and get dressed, and about 0830, as the Captain steps back over him, he's trying to remember how to put his shoes back on.
'G'Mornnn, Captain.'
'Good Morning, Petty Officer [deleted]. Get into a poopy suit, rank insignia, and Dolphins, and report to the wardroom.'
'Uhhh, Captain, I'm not qualified.'
'Poopy suit, Rank Insignia, and Dolphins.'
'Captain, I'm not...' 'Poopy suit, Rank Insignia, and Dolphins!'
'Uhhh, Yessir!' (wearing Dolphins before you're entitled to them is ... really bad)
So STS3 fights to get all the appropriate items (having to fight with his division to borrow the dolphins. The 3rd class 'crow' wasn't that big a deal), and makes his way to the 'Wierdroom.' He knocks, and is told to enter.
The Captain is still in his Full Dress, and the WEPS and AWEPS are in poopie suits with rank insignia and dolphins. Captain is at the head of the table, where he'd be for a Mast. Captain looks at them and announces, 'I just spent 30 minutes explaining to the CO of Roosevelt Roads why the Commander, Cruiser Destroyer Group 22 [a two-star admiral, IIRC] is flying back to Norfolk now, with his baggage to follow him. He was onboard the TICONDEROGA last night when you pulled your little stunt. He is not happy. I assured the Commanding Officer, USS TICONDEROGA, that the individuals responsible would come back this morning and repair the damage they caused.' The Captain pauses, and looks at the miscreants. He then leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table, and says, 'Very well done! Now, get going!' Much relieved, they do.
So our dalmatian-spotted bubbleheads head over to the TICO (on foot, this time), where they meet with the Chief Bosun Mate. First, they have a run-around to get the right container of Haze Gray. Then, BMC tells them to get into the johnboat at the bottom of the ladder and repaint the side of the ship. 5 minutes after they get down the ladder, they're called back up, told 'that johnboat belongs to the [deleted], and they're getting underway in 30 minutes. They need their johnboat back, now!'
Our bubbleheads work back up the ladder, with paint slopping on them on the way up. (STS3 is pretty amused by this, figuring it's fair play.)
They finally get the officers put over the side in bosun's chairs, figuring that the officers had this idea, and roped the enlisted man into doing the gruntwork. STS3 is parked on some deck fitting shooting the breeze with BMC, and all the other skimmers who don't seem to have anything better to do, when BMC says something about how it serves the bubbleheads right for painting his ship. At this point, STS3 is fed up with stupid skimmers, and smarts off 'You'd be singing a different tune if that had been a limpet mine. Oh, by the way, it was my idea to do this to you guys, after your chief's quarters kicked us out of the bar last night. Revenge is a b!tch, isn't it?'
STS3 very quickly found himself at the end of the rope of a bosun's chair, over the side after that.
Other consequences: Rosie Roads newspaper headline the next day was 'Submarine sinks Navy's Newest,' with a picture of the TICO with 'TARGET SHIP' and a set of crosshairs in the center.
No charges were ever brought forward.
So, Tas, remember. Even out of the water, bubbleheads will still sink you! 
_________________
"For the Lion and the Emperor!"
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