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Warhammer 50K
http://www.tacticalwargames.net/taccmd/viewtopic.php?f=127&t=6198		 Page 1 of 2
Author:  CyberShadow [ Mon May 12, 2003 4:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
This was brought to my attention on the Gothic list:

I found this at google rec.games.miniatures.warhammer. Enjoy.

Regards
Guillermo.

***

In the dark future that is 50K there is only war, well there would be if there was anyone to fight. After the hive fleet Pointless arrived at Cadia at the height of the 13th Black Crusade and wiped all non Tyrannid life forms, including Abbadon, all the chaos legions, and all but two of the named Space Marine Chapters.

(White Scars and Blood Angels, cos the white scars chapter had 33 battleships in there chapter armoury and were able to fight off the tyranids long enough for there tame craftworld to fly in and rescue them, the Blood because even GW won't get rid of them.... yet)

The loss of life was massive, fully 4/5ths of the entire Imperial Guard complement was eaten, the remainding ones were catachans as the Tyrranids complained that they made them bloat.

(Quite how this was managed as by my calculations to fit this many people on one planet meant that the planet was the size of our solar system)

But the remnants of the loyal imperial troops fought on, holding and rearguard actions as the Orks from one side and the Tyranids form the other pushed them back to earth.

In another part of the galaxy, House Davion and House Lio of the Tau entered a civil war and destroyed there own empire from within leaving them cling to a precarious existance on the one remaing inhabitable planet, which sadly was consumed by the advancing Hive Fleet NoSales.

The Harlequin God, awoke from his hiding on Mars and revealed himself as Harlequin/Deceiver/Warmaster Horus/Malal/Machine God and Leman Russ all rolled into one. Sadly the backlash of the phsycic scream of the raving fanboys legion as they cried out in glee at this cool development caused an implosion within the entity and it was consumed up its own backside.

More years passed and still the emperor lived in his life support tank, until the new cleaner in his throne room unplugged it and killed him as she vacuumed around. Even worse was the fact that it took 6,000 years for anyone to notice and to date, no one actually cares.

Back in the massive Ork empires the infighting had reached such a high degree that all the war leaders, battle lords, nobs etc held a piece conference, sadly the planet that now contained all the Orks and there bodyguards was consumed by the Hive Fleet WaaaaaaaagForLunch.

Out in the webway there was problems for the Eldar and there Dark cousins, as the supplies of feathers for there fashion houses dried up when they killed the last Kroot, and a major civil war broke out for control of craftworls Iyanden's vaults of hair gel. The combined attack on there fashion sense from these directions caused the Eldar to renounce there place in space and go to live with the exodites on the planet TheNewBlack, sadly there new life as the Hive Fleet TooManyPansies consumed them and there world in one gulp and a large belch.

Meanwhile out in the remaining planets not stripped bare by Tyrannids the Necron C'Tan MetalMickey awoke and led his metal warriors in a crusade against the ravening Tyrnannids, who discovered that those Gauss rifles make great toothpicks even if the necrons repeat on you, you kill them and eat them and they come back and you eat them and they come back and you eat them, but finally the digestive juices of the bugs proved tougher than the "We'll be back" of the Necrons and they were wiped out by Hive Fleet ChewyMetalChomper.

The 4 chaos gods having noticed that apart from there minions within the eye of terror, nobody and nothing was worshipping them. and so they shrunk from lack of souls to feed on and corrupt and headed out to earth to find food and maybe catch a movie. There they met the remaining catachans,the Raving Fanboys, the Blood Angels and the White Scarswho were visiting in there craftworld and parading there 387 space ships, there 500 titans, there 25,000 Baneblades and all there special rules written by there primach Fattius Gittius, sadly however the corrupt and bankrupt imperium sold them them on ebay.

The final end of the Imperium came with the Hive Fleet EatingTheScraps when they gulped there way through the system, even eating the tough and fat catachans, with the Blood Angels cheesey sauce.

So the universe is left to the devouring Tyrranids, who after consuming all other life consume themselves leaving the entire universe a dead and baron place.

When on a backwater planet in a backwater system in the remote backwater region of the galaxy, an Admantium steel door opens and out steps a short humanoid in a miners helmet, "anybody there?" he shouts...................

This timeline was brough to you by

Gravid Thrope
Author:  MaksimSmelchak [ Mon May 12, 2003 6:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
That's pretty amusing.

I've always had this in the back of my head. Undoubtedly someone has thought of it before:

Q. Know why they call it 40k?

A. Because that's how much money it costs to get into the game at GW's overinflated prices!

Shalom,

Maksim-Smelchak.
Author:  primarch [ Mon May 12, 2003 11:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Hi!

:D thats the funniest thing I have read in a long while! :D

Good Maksim! :)

I think this thread can become a GW joke thread, be cool to see what other punchlines people come up with.

Primarch
Author:  24787810 [ Tue May 13, 2003 9:57 am ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Its funny cos its so nearly true!
Author:  stormseer [ Tue May 13, 2003 12:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
hehe- I like the Catachans making them bloat... lol  :laugh:
Author:  primarch [ Tue May 13, 2003 3:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Hi!

These stories are pretty common across the net, I have several good paradies like this one. Its too bad no one archives them. They are a lot of fun to read.

Primarch
Author:  primarch [ Tue May 13, 2003 3:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Hi!

Oops! That should read " I have READ several good parodies", if I had them I would have posted them.

Primarch
Author:  darkone26 [ Tue May 13, 2003 3:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
that was a good read  :D  shame there wasnt more of them around to read  :cool:
Author:  Chris [ Tue May 13, 2003 6:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
The bit about the cleaner unplugging thr Golden Throne is the best. Even better os when no-one cares! Excelent!

Cheers

Chris
Author:  stormseer [ Tue May 13, 2003 6:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Blasphemy! The =][= will be paying you a visit Chris......

:laugh: hehe
Author:  netepic [ Tue May 13, 2003 8:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
I like the fact that the squats outlived every other GW race!
Author:  primarch [ Tue May 13, 2003 11:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Hi!

Dont worry Chris, if the Inquisition ever did make an appearance there would be no one left on these forums.... :;):

Primarch
Author:  signius [ Wed May 14, 2003 3:04 am ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
That was damn, funny.   :D  :laugh:

I thought the killing of the emperor was great. It is about time time someone axed that chair ridden psycho.  :p
Author:  Legion 4 [ Wed May 14, 2003 6:09 am ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
Very "RED DWARFISH" ! ?Lister ... Rimmer ... Kryton ... Cat ... Anyone !? ... :(
Author:  Mojarn Piett [ Wed May 14, 2003 7:26 am ]
Post subject:  Warhammer 50K
You heretics missed the most fun part; namely selling the Chaos gods in Ebay.

For your heretical comments Inquisitor Lord Mojarn Piett will pay you a visit and turn you into servitors by telling all the bad jokes he knows.  :p
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